...to standing on Line

I find that increasingly, there has been a rising trend of poor speech habits among new yorkers who populate the service industry. My frustration revolves around lines and weather we are, as customers, standing "on line" or "in line" when patiently waiting to pay.

Whenever it is implied that I'm next on line, I can't quell my desire to correct the clerk or clerk-ess on their crappy handling of English. Usually I act like an asshole and scan the floor around me for a painted line, purposely looking disoriented and generally unsure of my surroundings until a more accurate statement is made. Countless times I've tried valiantly to gently explain their error, hoping that once recognized, the shopping experiences of millions will be slightly less bewildering.

Thinking further about this strange linguistic habit, I find myself hoping that somehow the cashiers at my favorite establishments are so deeply committed to their profession that they comprehend the seller-buyer relationship far better than I ever could, and by extension must actually perceive a literal line upon which we as customers stand.

Is it possible that they see the vector of sales flowing toward them; that the line to which they refer is literally there though so imperceptible to the untrained eye, that confusion ensues?

I've always operated under the assumption that I contribute to the solidarity of the line, maintaining the flow of revenue for the vendor unabated. Therefore, because my body is an integral part of the line, "I" is part of that line and being a part likely means in the whole to which it is a part not on it.


Maybe it would make more sense if someone was riding the shoulders of another person who was standing in line beneath them. It would be so damn literal!

Or we could say "Next in corral!"


But perhaps people will have qualms with being compared to cattle.

Anyway, fear not friends, I will assemble the most powerful men in the galaxy to sort this out... Somehow, I think the end result will be to omit the reference to your position in space and simply say "Next!"

Who knows, perhaps it will be something more encouraging and have little to do with the queue itself.

Actually, using British English might work best! Across the pond they come up with all sorts of strange pseudonyms for commonplace things, crossing the rigid fences of grammar to bid someone adieu or describe a shopping cart, for instance. Then again, British can get a little squirrely when approaching proper nouns.

Take Hugh Laurie, star of the gripping medical drama "House". Going by standard british, we discover that his parents must have been eating LSD for one of two reasons:

1. When you google his name this is what comes up. Big trucks? I don't get it. It must require some kind of drug induced leap of the imagination.
2. Americans are well aware that everything european is small and eco-sized, leading me to surmise that his parents had high hopes that their future-thespian son would strike gold in Hollywood by naming him after the trademark of Americana: big ass trucks.
   

Until we've arrived at a reasonable alternative, say yes to the queue.