...keepin it real Thursdays

All week I've been trying to come up with an epic fail to write about for today's post. Not coming up with any good ideas, I decided I'd go for a short stroll to organize my thoughts and hopefully happen upon some freak occurrence worth relaying here. I didn't watch any heads roll, though seeing the state of my local bike lane this afternoon brought many opinions to the front of my mind.



Frustrated by these menaces, I cast my gaze skyward hoping for consolation and an explanation from a god I don't believe in, and noticed the sunny skies had become overcast... Walking at a leisurely pace back to the office, I was caught in the initial rainfall before I could make it to the dry indoors.

A woman, scurrying into the lobby, slipped a little before catching herself on the door handle and simultaneously gave me exactly the idea I was hunting for.

July 4th, this coming Saturday, is not only the best day to visit an overpopulated city park or get inebriated on cheap beer; it is also the start of the 96th Tour de France!



As you can see from this video, courtesy of the french, the race starts with a team time trial through Rotterdam, NL (strange that it doesn't start in France, huh?). update: i was confused here, it did in fact, start in Monaco.

If you've no idea what a team time trial (TTT) is, its just like the individual time trial (ITT) where the starts are staggered and each rider races the clock, though in this case, the whole team rides together to get one guy across the finish line fastest. Needless to say, a lot of fancy bikes and pterodactyl helmets come out for these events, both of which are not known for aiding in bodily protection or handling.

This recalled to me the gripping last few minutes of the three-week-long Giro d'Italia 2009. Dennis Menchov, being the race leader, was the last to start the ITT through wet, cobbled, roman streets. If that sounds like a recipe for disaster to you, your instincts serve you well:



This aired in New York around two in the morning and thinking the race was as good as done, we practically shit ourselves when we saw this. One of the most interesting things about this fall was how fast the mechanic got out of the team car, removed a new bike from the roof-rack, and had it standing, ready for Menchov to ride away on before he could even really stand up. That guy deserves a raise if you ask me.

Of course as I said before, Saturday is July 4th which marks the first large-scale refutation of British colonial administration practices. Enjoy the "freedom" eveybody...

...salmoning on shore

I was standing on the sidewalk in front of my place in Brooklyn the other day, minding a friend's belongings while she raced to return a rented moving truck. I was chatting with my woman, minding my own business when I hear someone say politely, "excuse me!"

I turn around expecting to see a grocery-laden neighbor or something like that, but to my surprise it was a smiling woman on a folding bike..... on the sidewalk.


I suppose she was on the sidewalk because she decided that it was safer or more convenient than salmoning in the street. What's funny is how slow she was riding, making her sidewalk salmoning all the more beguiling. I bet if she rode on the street one block up in the correct direction, it would be much faster than slowly weaving through pedestrians who aren't expecting to encounter a bike in their space.

I snapped that picture and assumed it was a fluke, that surely this isn't common practice and that most cyclists are, like myself, reasonably law-abiding. I returned to my loitering and breeze-shooting for not five whole minutes before I saw another sidewalk salmon!


My camera took longer than usual to take the photo for some reason and I actually couldn't see this guy anymore when I took the picture. Upon opening it on the computer, I saw the common-though-elusive "sidewalk fry," the youthful version of the sidewalk salmon that is known to flit to and fro on neighborhood sidewalks.

I suppose this is the time of year when salmon are greatest in number and I should learn to disregard people who's behavior I find questionable, though sidewalk salmoning attains new levels of ridiculousness and should be quickly nipped in the bud.

Cyclists are always whining about how everyone is against them and nobody respects the bike lanes and blah blah blah... I have to say, abiding by the rules isn't going to make people sing your praises, but breaking them isn't going to win you many fans either.

Next time I see sidewalk salmon, I can assure you I won't be quietly shooting photos, instead I'll be shooting mean glares and perhaps say something derisive if I can break my stony, disgusted silence.

...shameless solicitation

So that woman of mine started a blog recently, posting seductive little photos of Brooklyn and a certain miniature lagomorph that is rather near-and-dear to me.

Not being skilled at evading irony, I noticed my readership has risen 106.05% since she started her blog two days ago. Ha! I guess it pays to have a popular and attractive woman introduce people to you. It's sort of like having my very own Vanna White, the only difference being she's not all that blonde or white...


...and it goes without saying that I am easily three times as dapper as Pat Sajak, and have a third the number of chins he does [zing!].

Since the dawn of time, man has struggled valiantly to harness the power of T&A for financial gain, using scantily clad women in compromising positions to imbue weak minds with vain hopes of attaining sexual nirvana by dressing, eating, or drinking in a given manner. Now, the funny part is that though many men are privy to these advertising shenanigans, they are powerless to resist the alluring gazes of billboard vixens.

The sport of cycling is one traditionally dominated by males and largely ignored by females (french women excluded). Until rather recently, the extent of women's involvement in cycling has been limited to being podium girls or masseuses. Luckily, there are now many notable female cyclists (like the one who died last weekend), and not all of them are raging dykes.

Fyxomatosis, a blog about fixed gear bikes of all shapes and "colorways", has a couple telling slideshows of cutsey hipster chicks fornicating with urban bike culture:


How rare and awe-inspiring it would be to see a model pedaling by, fully decked out in Eddy Merckx world champ duds! Of course, both the bike and the clothes are being marketed toward guys, not girls, so the sex-logic is lost somewhat, though I imagine its sort of like when trashy bimbos throw themselves on the hoods of customized economy cars, inspiring thousands of tiny asian boners and after-market parts sales. Surfing around for images of the late Farrah Fawcett yesterday, I ran across one that I think fits nicey within the context of sexification:


I don't know what kind of bike that is or even if it would fit me, but I want it; then perhaps my boyhood dreams of being fawned over by hot women for lame and trivial successes would come true!

Taking this to heart, I wonder if it couldn't hurt to apply some sexification to my blog and attract untold amounts of new readers, beckoned by the possibility of nsfw hyperlinks and increased libido-by-association. So be on the lookout for sexy new accouterments in the near future!

...the weekend madness (installment 3)

Well-known people have been dropping like flies this past weekend; aside from MJ and FF dying last week, Billy Mays, the boisterous infomercial king died on Sunday, much to the dismay of couch potatoes, budding entrepreneurs, and television execs everywhere.


Also newly dead is the former women's road racing world champion and frequent olympian, Zinauda Stagurskaya. She was hit by a truck riding on a highway in her native Belarus, training for the national road championships slated to take place later this week. I think it is simultaneously ironic and fitting that a road racing world champion dies on their bike, though the fact that it was due to the carelessnes of a motorist and not the result of an epic battle between professional cyclists pushin' it to the limit.

Of course nothing is going to change with traffic-law enforcement because bicycles are viewed as toys by the government, not as viable alternatives to gas-powered transportation. You could rest assured that if some fat-ass was horsin' around in a pool and accidentally drowned Michael Phelps, the ratio of fat-people-per-pool (FPPP) would decrease significantly from the perceived threat of a blubbery, bubbling demise.


Anyway, not all news from this weekend is so depressing; Gothamist has been tracking a pod of dolphins swimming around in long island sound! Apparently they're going to be here for a while hunting for herring in New York's tidal estuaries, and have already broken off into two gangs; the "City Island crew" and the "Long Island Sound crew" to take control of the herring game up north. Local fisherman have understandibly kept their distance from the pod, not wanting to get caught in the crossfire of a maritime version of New Jack City.