...oh no (and other things)

I recently stumbled across this frightening news about an amendment to bicycle road-use law in England. Apparently, due to the teeming British salmon populations, the government has relented and is allowing cyclists "to ignore no-entry signs"(aka ride against traffic) in an effort to promote cycling to people who are annoyed by having to ride an extra 500 feet to safely and legally arrive at their destination.

I have to say, encouraging cycling by allowing people to salmon is as good an idea as discouraging obesity by handing out free cocaine or promoting healthy eating habits by handing out fast food coupons.

My fear of bike-salmon, combined with the fast-approaching winter months, has led me to gain a considerable interest in Goldsprints. I always liked the idea of having a game to play or sport to watch when imbibing myself with booze at the local saloon, but never jived with the typical crowds at sports bars.

Thankfully, roller races and goldsprints offer marshmallows like me an opportunity to get wasted at a bar while watching a sport I actually give a shit about.

Here's how goldsprints typically look:

Goldsprints CMWC Tokyo from kymberly Perfetto on Vimeo.

Live-er than live coverage... Roller races can also be combined into strange indoor cyclocross races like this one Rapha put on a while back:

RAPHA Cross Roller Race - Oregon Manifest 2008 from RAPHA on Vimeo.

However, considering my aversion toward obstacles while cycling (which means cyclocross would only serve to piss me off) I might lash out in pavlovian fury when "racing" someone facing this scene:


Hey all you marshmallows! get outta the way, I'm trying to ride here!

Anyway, If you bothered to read through the article I linked above, you likely noticed that mention was made of bike-salmon appeasement in other European countries, which the English misguidedly took as a "standard."

Since New York City, Manhattan especially, is rife with euro-tourists possibly cycling, I feel it to be my duty to arm you with these handy phrases from some of our guests' native tongues.

• French: manière fausse, abruti!
• German: falsche weg, du arschloch!
• Spanish: ¡manera incorrecta, Baboso!
• Portugese: ¡caminho errado, imbecil!
• British: Kind sir, do try to mind the local traffic regulations; It would greatly please meh.